Ants in My Pants

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Originally uploaded by KATIEmagic.

My husband is an avid mountain biker. So 5 years ago (ack!) when we first started dating he encouraged me to try it with him. I went a few times and like it enough to buy a $300 bike to take out when I went with him. We had a lot of fun during those days. Don't get me wrong I totally sucked at the actual mountain biking part of it. I fell constantly, I couldn't make it up any hills, and people I live in Texas there aren't even any real hills to make it up. I had to walk with the bike through half the trails. I have many, many scars from my feet slipping of the pedals who then sought revenge by impaling themselves into my shins. But what I liked about the whole thing was spending the day with my new boyfriend in the woods. He was very encouraging and nurturing with me on those trails.

One lovely summer Saturday morning, we went out for a ride. I think we'd been together less than 6 months. He and his friend Eric were both riding that day and they go fast and do challenging things like, you know, actually completing an entire hill. So rather than make them wait for my slow ass, I told them to go on ahead. Husband had just taught me how to change my tire and this day was the first time I'd done it all by my lonesome. It was also very, very hot. Like, in the 90's at 10 am hot. (God I'm not looking forward to another Texas summer.) About a mile into the trail took a spill and notice that a bike part had fallen off of the wheel I'd just installed myself. I also noticed that doing shots the night before a morning of 90 degree mountain biking is not a good idea. I was hot, I was dehydrated, I was frustrated, and I was seriously tired. Luckily Husband had doubled back looking for me because he had a feeling that I was in trouble and needed his help. (Just one example of how freakishly connected we are, and why I married this man.)

I was so happy to see his face! "Fix it" I pouted, "I'm dehydrated, hot, tired and frustrated and bike challenged." "OK baby", he said, "Why don't you sit down and rest, you look like you need it." Which I did. Without looking. Right in a nice big fire ant pile. I blame the fact that I didn't know I had sat in a fire ant pile for a good 30 seconds after I sat down on the fact that I was near blacking out from the heat. That 30 seconds gave the fire ants/devils spawn enough time to actually crawl into my biking shorts (under which you don't wear undies). When I finally realized what had happened I stood up, screamed bloody murder, and did what any self respecting girl being attacked in her shorts by fire ants would do. I stripped 'em off in the middle of that trail before God and mountain bikers. I did the "ants in your pants" boogie dance, and I gave them to Husband to make sure they were really all gone before I put those suckers back on.

Oh the pain. The ants had all conspired to bite me in a spot about the size of a silver dollar on my right butt cheek. I had over 20 big puss filled bites all in one spot. I couldn't sit down right and I had a huge knot of poison on my ass for weeks.

I stopped mountain biking after I broke my foot one day on a trail too advanced for me. I'm very, very afraid my friends. Now, I hike the trails while Husband bikes. And every time I pass a giant fire ant pile, I smile. Then I kick it a couple times and run away. Ha ha, Suckers!