End of an Era
Today is the last day I'll be working full time for the foreseeable future. It's very exciting but more than that, very scary. As much as I've complained about work and working from like the minute I got my first job, having a job to do, and a place to go, and something to accomplish every day gives each day a purpose. I realize how sad that sounds, but understand I'm not talking about anything really deep here, my Husband gives me purpose, my family gives me purpose, etc. But day to day, it's nice to have a goal handed to you and it's a good feeling when you accomplish it. I'll still be doing a day to day task (yeah, you know that thing I really, really, really hate to do). But in all honesty it probably won't take more than 2 hours a day. So while I'm technically supposed to be working 4 hours, I'll have a whole hell of a lot of day to have to structure for myself. I haven't had to do that since pre-school. And actually CanaMa probably had me on some sort of routine even then.
Which brings me to another concern. I've always known that if I had kids I'd want to stay home with them. I don't have any opinions about day care vs. home care or anything, I've just always known that staying home is what felt right for me. I've heard people talk about the isolation one feels, and the challenges it brings. I've pictured it and dreamed about what it might be like. But now I'm going to get a big fat taste of what it will be like to be home by myself (i.e. no adults) everyday all day long. I'm nervous about it for two reasons. One because on the couple of days a week I've been working at home, I get more excited than is cool to see Husband walk in the door at the end of the day. If he has something to do that night I get a depressed at the thought of spending the evening alone as well. I worry how this will affect me (and Husband) once the baby comes. And two because more than anything else it snaps into reality that holy shit, we're having a child very soon and it's time to start seriously preparing. What the hell am I going to do with a child all day?
The good news is I'm a homebody by nature. Maybe it won't be as difficult for me to deal with because of this. To be honest I wasn't even aware I was feeling most of these things until I started typing this entry. I know this for sure. I am so lucky to live when I do. I know that I have options. If I'm no good at staying home with my kiddo I can go back to work and no one (well no one sane anyway) will think I'm a bad person. Options are good.
Which brings me to another concern. I've always known that if I had kids I'd want to stay home with them. I don't have any opinions about day care vs. home care or anything, I've just always known that staying home is what felt right for me. I've heard people talk about the isolation one feels, and the challenges it brings. I've pictured it and dreamed about what it might be like. But now I'm going to get a big fat taste of what it will be like to be home by myself (i.e. no adults) everyday all day long. I'm nervous about it for two reasons. One because on the couple of days a week I've been working at home, I get more excited than is cool to see Husband walk in the door at the end of the day. If he has something to do that night I get a depressed at the thought of spending the evening alone as well. I worry how this will affect me (and Husband) once the baby comes. And two because more than anything else it snaps into reality that holy shit, we're having a child very soon and it's time to start seriously preparing. What the hell am I going to do with a child all day?
The good news is I'm a homebody by nature. Maybe it won't be as difficult for me to deal with because of this. To be honest I wasn't even aware I was feeling most of these things until I started typing this entry. I know this for sure. I am so lucky to live when I do. I know that I have options. If I'm no good at staying home with my kiddo I can go back to work and no one (well no one sane anyway) will think I'm a bad person. Options are good.
posted by Kathryn @ 3:36 PM
2 Comments:
At 7:19 PM,
NME said…
Options are excellent.
I was really worried I would go batty being at home. And I think Noah and I are doing really well. The baby will keep you pretty busy and entertained. And I email with friends and blog during the day too - so that helps alot because it is a kind of adult interaction.
But finding at least one friend who is home during the day and can go out with you and baby once a week seems like a really good thing too. I'm still working on it though.
Days when I feel a bit lonely or down I realize that I'd be having down days no matter where I was and FOR ME the worst day at home is still better than the best day in the office.
I think you are going to do great. And if doesn't work out exactly how you would prefer it - you can change it.
At 10:59 AM,
hazel said…
I watched nicole go through it and she's doing really well with it, as she said. she's a really social person and I think that the emailing we all do and the blogging satisfies that need for her. I don't have a ton of experience in this area, and the little I do was a bad experience for me, but if you wind up deciding to go back to work - I can give you better insight into that.
what's nice is that you know that there is nothing wrong with either scenario.
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