If You Have Issues With Poop of The Non-Human Variety You Might Want To Skip This One

Yesterday I drove into work for the first time in a couple of weeks for a staff meeting. It sucked sitting in traffic again and just doing so pulled me out of my "this job sucks and I hate cleaning every day and doing mostly nothing else" funk a little. Before I left the house the girls were pretty groggy since we've all been sleeping later and are out of the morning routine already. I usually leave enough time to walk into the back yard with them to make sure they both poo and pee before leaving them alone for most of the day. (We have a pool and English Bulldogs sink right to the bottom if they fall in so I have to go with them each time.) Yesterday, however, they were too sleepy to do anything and I hadn't left enough time to wait anymore so one pooed and one peed and that was it.

When I got to work I noticed everyone was looking at my belly first and then my face which is a new experience for me. Usually if someone's not looking at my face they're looking a bit higher than the belly area so this was a nice change on two fronts. The first being obvious and the second being that this was the first time I noticed people looking at the belly and not getting that "is she really pregnant or just fat" look. The meeting was pointless as meetings usually are and I spent the rest of my 4 hour work day working on projects the bosses daughter doesn't want to do. So looks like things are the same around there. On the upside Kent's office is on the way home so I had a lovely lunch date that included french fries, yum.

When I got home, as I walked into the door I was hit immediately with an odor that I can only describe as that rotten smell your fridge gets when you leave raw meat in there for a couple of months and forget you have it. (Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.) I didn't go straight to locating the pile of shit however, because when I leave for that long the girls need to go straight outside upon my return. So that's what we did.

While outside Chloe, our little furball, took a long and seemingly satisfying shit. About halfway to the door to come back inside she started scooting her butt on the ground which only means one thing in dogland. A big huge smelly piece of satisfying shit was caught on her furry little ass. I immediately assessed my options. I could let her scoot it off on her own outside but that would mean that I had to sit in the blazing hot Texas sun until she did, so that was out. I could throw her in the pool and hope that the thing fell off, but then I would never again be able to swim in said pool, so that was out. I could pick her up and whisk her to the bathtub as soon as I opened the door, but the I’d have to bend over to bathe her and it’s difficult to do that these days so that was out. I settled on whisking her up and putting her in the kitchen sink where I could give her a nice thorough bath without breaking my back, then bleach the hell out of it when I was done. I opened the door ready to pick her up. Instead, she scoot-ran faster than I could reach her into the living room heading straight for our couch. I caught her just as she was about to jump and carried her to the sink. I was so focused on not letting the shit assed dog onto the furniture I didn’t notice that she had succeeded in transferring the shit from her ass to the floor, and I had succeeded in stepping in it and tracking it all the way back to the kitchen sink. Luckily I looked down right as I put her in, and stripped my shoes and one nice maternity shirt off so I could bathe her in just my jeans.

It took around 15 minutes to get the matted shit off of her ass but finally it was done. I got out the bleach (we have stained cement floors that we did ourselves, a huge pain in the ass to do but very handy in a situation such as this) and started cleaning up all of the shoe patterned shit spots around the house while still half naked and breathing in the putrid rotten meat shit smell that hit me when I came in. After searching for quite a few minutes I finally found the human sized pile of shit that our little Bella dog can produce. I reached down to pick it up and ¼ of an inch before my paper towel hand reached the shit I saw a huge ugly scary spider the EXACT same color as the shit standing on the pile. (I was thisclose to taking a picture consider yourself lucky.) Completely exasperated, and still breathing the smell from hell I sat down not knowing what else to do. How was I supposed to pick up the shit with a gigantic scary spider guarding its find? I called Kent who oh so helpfully said “Maybe he’s waiting on a fly.” That gave me an idea. I grabbed the fly swatter and used the tip of it to flick the spider off of the pile of shit. The spider ran off and I was finally able to resume my shit cleaning duties, put a shirt on, and clear the house of the smell of putridity.

Throughout this hour long ordeal one thing kept repeating in my head. “I’m not sure if having a baby around is going to be quite this exciting, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be just as shitty.”