I'm Afraid I'm Very Afraid
One of the scariest of the unknowns I'm facing with my first child is how it will effect my relationship with Husband. I don't think it's an understatement to say that we're more solid now than we've ever been. And believe me there were a couple of hellish rocky times. But the last 2 and 1/2 years have been bliss with the occasional tiff thrown in for interest. I don't know that I can even begin to picture how a child will change the dynamics of our relationship and that is pretty scary. I love the way we are now. And this isn't helping matters. So those of you who are partners and mothers, was it hard? How did you get through it if it was? I know that every couple is unique and there's no way to really know for sure how things will change for us. But if you've been through it and don't mind sharing your experiences I would be very grateful for some insight. (If you don't want to comment just email me at katiemagic at hotmail dot com.)
posted by Kathryn @ 12:03 PM
9 Comments:
At 2:51 PM,
NME said…
Babies aren't easy. They are work. But so is everything worth having and doing.
Sometimes you will vent at each other and get mad at the drop of a hat about nothing because you are stressed and tired. And sometimes you will just look at your husband and see that the father of your child is the most amazing person on the face of the earth and you are so glad you are sharing this experience with one another.
There's no black and white with these things. It will make your marriage harder in some ways - and it will make it more magical in others. The key is being willing to work through the hard times and be willing to notice and appreciate the good times. In my opinion.
At 3:20 PM,
Kathryn said…
Thanks NME. You're so wise. Logically I know the baby will be hard work and wonderful and change our lives totally. But I think it's impossible to really grasp until you're there, and that scares me because there's no real way to prepare.
Oh BTW Footballers Wives is on Sunday I think at 8 or 9 central.
At 7:34 PM,
NME said…
You are completely right. There is no way to get a handle on it ahead of time. There is no real "ready."
At 9:41 PM,
Missuz J said…
Katie--I don't know what to tell you, other than a few things that I learned the hard way.
When I was pregnant and making lists and freaking out, Erik drove me NUTS! He just couldn't seem to figure out that he should be completely stressed out too. Then one day he said to me, "Do you think we should get some diapers? I mean, she'll probably go through like 2 or 3 a day. Right?" Well, I had already bought like 3 boxes of diapers; also, anyone who has been around a newborn knows it's way more like 8 or 9. What I'm trying to get at is that he wasn't insensitive--he was just totally dense. He literally had no idea what we were about to face. I took care of 2 younger brothers and sisters--he never did. I babysat for years and years. He never did. I don't know how your experience with babies measures up to your husband's, but keep in mind that there is a difference.
After that--don't correct everything he does with the baby--even if you know that damn diaper is going to fall off the moment you pick her up--and that she likes her blanket wrapped way tighter than that--and that she hates to be held like that. It's easy to become the baby Nazi. Fight the urge. (Maybe that was just my problem.)
Now then--sex. It's not my business how often y'all do it, but it's going to be A LOT less. This can leave the husband sulky and pissed--and you feeling stressed and put upon. When I was nursing Sophie, and Erik would try to cop a feel, I was like--Jesus Christ! No one is touching these boobs but me. Both of you--hands off! My advice is to talk about this BEFORE the baby comes. After--you'll be a wreck for a while, and won't be able to communicate to him that you love him, but that having sex when your breasts are engorged and you haven't slept or showered in 3 days just doesn't sound appealing.
And--you'll probably have to start scheduling time to be alone together. IF you can, find a family member or friend that will take the little bundle once a week--every Tuesday or something--and make yourselves go out--even if it's just for a walk.
Oh--have you talked about what he liked and hated about his parents, umm, parenting? And about yours? People seem to learn how they want to parent--or not parent--from their own parents. This talk was one Erik and I had WAY too late.
Also--again, maybe this is just me, but you really will need to ASK for what you need--as far as help with the baby. You'll think that he should SEE and KNOW that the diaper needs changed and that you're to fucking tired. Boys are notoriously bad mind readers. Instead of sitting and stewing and sending mental death rays in his general direction, just ask. He probably didn't notice.
Maybe this is all just stuff that only applies to me, but some of it might be helpful to you. If you ever need to vent about your husband to a complete stranger--or just shoot the shit about husbands and babies, or whatever, email me. I'd be glad to share whatever I can with you. Although, I certainly don't have a perfect marriage, I think I've made most of the mistakes that can be made, and that might help.
rebeccajorgensen@hotmail.com
At 9:41 PM,
Missuz J said…
Wow--that was freakin' long!
At 8:21 AM,
hazel said…
I only just skimmed the blog entry that you referenced, because I was instantly annoyed. not at the person writing the blog entry - hell, it's a blog - but just at the idea that someone else's experience now has you all worried. I hate that.
there are no absolutes, like nicole said. maybe it'll drastically change your marriage. maybe it'll be better. maybe it'll be harder. maybe you'll have the most perfect baby who will sleep for 8 hours a night from the get go. maybe not. no one can say "you will not ever be able to [whatever] again." that's silly.
I think it's important to realize that things will change - just like they did when you got married, or moved in together, or bought a new couch. whatever. what's going to change and how it's going to change is all up to you guys.
I love to vent. I vent all the time. in fact, I'm one big giant open vent. but it's sad that some venting actually makes it more difficult for people to just be happy about the incredible things they are anticipating. while it's no good to be blind to things like childbirth, there is some truth to the idea that ignorance is bliss.
I guess what I'm saying is to not worry about problems that haven't arisen yet. rock solid? there's no reason to think that this could ruin all that.
At 9:00 AM,
NME said…
Missuz J -
Damn that was a mouthful of very sound advice. I am often a baby Nazi that shoots death rays. Luckily Mark and I forgive each other easily and often.
At 11:27 AM,
Kathryn said…
Wow you guys. Thank you so much for your input and very good advice! Only one of my friends has a child so reading your blogs and communicating with you has given me a lot of wonderful insight (as well as entertainment!). I'm so glad Patrice stumbled upon this little blog o'mine!
At 2:56 PM,
NME said…
It takes a village. A blogging village.
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