The Cycle

This week I've been driving around with no window in the passenger side of my Jeep. It's been that way since February actually. Since Kent and I both have the same model we just switched doors so I would have the window. This week though, my door was back and it was a constant reminder of why there is no window.

When Kent and I lived in the loft we moved within the building several times. The last of which we ended up across the hall from a couple who introduced themselves right away and invited us to dinner. They were very nice and Kent seemed to especially get along with the male half of them, Jason. After the first dinner Jason started knocking on our door just about every night wanting to hang out. Sometimes Julie would come, sometimes not. It was fun at first to hang out and get to know them. We usually ended up drinking and playing dominoes or poker. I didn't ever feel completely comfortable around Jason, even though as far as I could see there was no good reason not to. After about 2 weeks of non-stop Jason hanging out until midnight, I was getting frustrated. Even the most socially inept person knows that there are limits to how often friends get together. Once I came home in the middle of the day to meet the delivery guy who was bringing our couch. As soon as the delivery guy left, there was Jason knocking on the door wondering what was going on and being overly insistent about helping me un-box the new arrival. I was surprised to see him home in the middle of the day when he had a job working with at risk kids. I have never wanted to get out of somewhere faster, although again, I couldn't put my finger on just why I was so uncomfortable.

As the weeks wore on Kent and I learned that if we wanted time alone we couldn't answer our door. When I complimented Julie on an outfit I noticed she always said Oh Jason got it for me. Then there was the story or him quitting his job because he was underappreciated. Then there was no looking for a job, living off of Julie's salary alone, driving her car all day. Once when we were going out he actually got angry when I mentioned that Julie should probably wear what she wanted instead of the outfit that he was telling her to put on. She eventually confided in me that there had been some domestic violence issues in their past and that he was getting court ordered counseling for anger management. In fact the court order stemmed from a very bad time when she stayed with her parents to heal for a few months.

I finally told Kent how uncomfortable the guy made me, and that it was scary how controlling he seemed to be over Julie. But Jason was also very charismatic and fun to hang around with and it was fun having friends right across the hall. It was easy to overlook those few incidences. Eventually though, even Kent's nerves seemed to wear at the sound of knocking at our door every night right after we walked in. We desperately needed some distance and we wanted to start a family soon so we bought a house an hour north of downtown Dallas where we were.

We had them over a couple of times and gracefully tried to put more and more distance between us. Then one Saturday morning the doorbell rang. There was Jason at our door with no warning. We didn't answer knowing they would not leave until Sunday if we did. Julie's parents it turns out live not far from us. I assume that's why they were in the area, although they don't know that she's been living with him for the last 2 years or even that they are still together. I was totally freaked out by this and I don't think we spoke to either one of them until February when he showed up again unannounced. This time we were helping my mom move stuff into our house and were back and forth so there was no hiding when Kent pulled into the drive way to find him sitting there. He dragged Kent downtown (really there was no saying "no thanks" to this man) while I stayed behind because by this time I didn't even want to be around him for 5 minutes.

They ended up staying out until midnight or so then picking up Julie and all coming back here (why I never really found out). My mom was staying here because there was no more furniture at her house and we were both already asleep after a day of moving. I was woken up by Kent coming in and telling me he needed my keys to take Jason home (Kents car was still at my moms house) because he and Julie had just gotten into it and he wanted Jason as far away from Julie as possible. He didn't say much else but I could tell how urgent it was from his expression.

I got up to find Julie in my kitchen crying uncontrollably trying to ice down her very bruised if not broken hand and wrist. I don't know really what happened between them (at midnight in our front yard no less) but I know at some point Kent said Julie was hitting Jason's chest and at another point Jason tried to wrestle the keys from her hands hence the bruising. What she told me that night chilled me to the bone. She had many, many horror stories about what he had done to her. Kent ended up staying at their house with Jason that night so he wouldn't do anything else stupid (and during the night my car window was broken out by a homeless person looking for change). I ended up pleading with Julie to stay with us until she could find a place of her own to be free of him.

By the afternoon of the next day she was showing signs of softness toward Jason. We knew it would not be the end. We did all we could to get her to distance herself. Hell, her best friend is a domestic violence counselor. Julie was a strong woman in every way. It was almost impossible to imagine her in that situation to begin with.

By the next week they were back in the same apartment. Shortly after that her family contacted me to help them put together a surprise birthday party for her. That was a feat, with them not knowing about Jason, and me trying to arrange for her to get out of the house without him. She backed out in every way she knew how until finally I just had to tell her what was going on. I'm surprised he let her out at all although I did notice her outfit was carefully chosen. A week after that she called to say that Jason had been in a car accident at 2 in the morning totaling her car and that he had minor injuries. I never called her back. I felt that with Jason injured and no car they would weave their lives into ours in a way that made it impossible to break free. We were trying to have a baby, and we didn't want Jason around him or her.

I think about Julie a lot. I hope that she is taking care of herself the best way she can. I feel guilty that I couldn't do more for her. I feel guilty for breaking off contact even though it was the best thing for my family. I know it wasn't the best thing for her. I don't understand why she would keep going back to him when she has such a strong support system even without me. As I said she is a very strong woman so to see her defend him and care for him, and care about him is like watching an episode of the twilight zone.

Just about every woman I know has had a brush with either physical or sexual abuse. It's unbelievably common. When is it going to get better? When is it going to stop? When are women going to stop believing what their abusers say to them? Would that even stop the cycle?