Home Ec

I haven't been the most joyful person to be around these last few weeks. It seems that staying at home has been a much bigger adjustment than I had anticipated.

Before I met my husband I had made up my mind never to have a family or get married. I was going to LA to get into the biz. It sounds so cliche now. I was serious about it at the time though, and I couldn't have imagined anything changing my plans. Then on the millennium new years eve I went camping with my best friend and another friend of ours (Kent). Until that night I had never even thought of beginning anything romantic with him, but there was something about the cold air, and warm fire, and his energy that opened me to the possibility. We didn't spend a night apart after that for quite a while. As I've said before I knew about 2 months into it that I wanted to marry him. I could not envision my future without him, and what I envisioned was not us in LA living that life. What I envisioned was me staying home with our kids. At that point any thought of a "real" career paled in comparison, and an acting career takes total devotion which I was not prepared to give at the expense of my new dream. So I took the job I have now with the thought in the back of my head that I would leave it some day to work in the home. When I was looking for new jobs recently (pre shrimpy) CanaMa would ask what I thought I wanted to do. All I kept coming back to was "be a stay at home mom". I didn't have any specific ideas about what that would mean, and I still don't really, but it's the first thing that popped into my head and heart.

In some vague way I knew that it meant keeping the house, and managing a grocery budget and all of those things. But when I think about someone doing those things the image that comes to mind is June Cleaver. It never crossed my mind that doing this job has not changed in any significant way since that time. But I don't think it has. And I, my friends, am not prepared. I have never been a neat freak and Kent has honestly done the lions share of house work up until now. I have never used a coupon in my life and have no idea how to plan a meal. I laughed at Home Ec being a required course in Jr. High because I thought I would never have any use for any of the things they taught in that stupid class. I know I don't have to be super housewife like the sitcoms of the 50's and 60's, but I'm not even adequate housewife at this point. I feel like a maid, and cry while scrubbing the floor (trust me it needed it) thinking to myself "why did I bother going to college if this is what I ended up doing? At least I could be getting paid for cleaning someone else's house." I know how ungrateful I sound don't bother telling me. A lot of this feeling comes from what I am now required to do for work, without going into too much detail, it's not much different from telemarketing (which is a world away from what I was hired to do), and have I mentioned how shy I am? I'm sure there will be a new sense of purpose once shrimpy's here. All the cleaning and budgeting will have a much bigger meaning then. I am VERY thankful I am able to go through this adjustment phase before he comes into this world. If this had happened right after we brought him home I wouldn't know that a lot (or at least some) of my feelings of being overwhelmed were caused by something else entirely. Hopefully I'll have a better handle on things by then.

I'm better each week I think, and it definitely helps when Kent's home more. I don't think he understands, and I can't blame him. I would never in a million years have thought I would feel this way when I get to sleep later and not go into an office every day. I think a lot of it is being scared of the traditional gender roles in this society. I don't want to fall into them. We're not really, I mean, I am not expected to stay here, I choose to be here. If I made the majority of the money in our household Kent would stay home. I am lucky that we can even attempt to afford it these days. I never expected this scenario to be perfect. I just never expected to feel so inadequate, and undervalued (by society, not Kent), and grateful, and trapped, and free, and stupid all wrapped into one. Maybe it's the hormones.